Rick's latest issue of Time came in the mail today. On the front cover is a picture of the GM logo hooked up to jumper cables. The doom of the auto industry is the big issue these days.

But what pissed me off was that the first complaint listed in the caption with the GM logo was "boring cars."

Seriously? Cars these days are boring? Brand spankin' new cars?

I really don't understand why new cars these days are boring. This does not compute in my head.

Maybe we have some unrealistic expectations. Yeah, the cars in Transformers looked real cool. There were those "pimped out" rides from The Fast & the Furious. America loves its cars. I do to. But let's be realistic. Those were movies. Fiction. Is that where this "boring" comes from? Are we expecting cars that can run on used diapers or that can fly with solar energy? I wish.

I just don't get the "boring cars" thing. I don't mean to sound like Sam Witwicky's dad, but I was raised to be happy with four wheels and an engine. I don't mean to say driving an old beater is a great option. But these days you can get a good deal on a used car that's going to last a while. But 99% of us aren't the My Super Sweet 16 set, and we didn't get BMW's and Mercedes for our birthdays. When I got my liscense, my mom set a price limit, and we went and looked at used cars. I got lucky and found a 2002 Chevy Cavalier. Great little car. Yeah, he didn't have a lot of horsepower and didn't have GPS, OnStar, and iPod dock and heated seats. But it was four wheels and an engine. I drove myself between home and college for a year. And when I put the poor car in a ditch, I lived to tell the tale. I drove through some pretty shitty winters.

Now I drive a 1999 Pontiac Grand Am. Now, I am biased and love my car a lot. But I've never heard my car be called "boring." Yeah, I don't have automatic windows and the CD player skips sometimes, but she's a great car. I plan to keep her a long time. I can get from Point A to Point B. What more could you ask for? 

Where I come from, you need a car in your daily life. We don't have any real public transportation, and what we do have doesn't have a schedule to accomodate your work schedule. Most people commute out of town to work, for all three shifts. It's not always easy to find someone with the same destination and schedule, so it's hard to carpool. Yes, I live in one of those rural areas, the ones where President-Elect Obama says we cling to guns and religion. (I don't know how to shoot a gun, and after 13 years of Catholic school, I wish I was raised atheiest. What a way to connect with the working class.)  Well, all that aside, we still had to pay those ridiculously high gas prices because if we didn't, we couldn't get to work. No work, no money, and some of us would be stuck living the cars that we didn't put gas in. So needless to say, a lot of us really just couldn't afford a new car. So we bought those nice used vehicles because they were a hell of a lot cheaper and worked just as well.

Unless you're the dumbass in town who bought a Hummer. And I know who you are. Only one person would put those decals on their vehicle. We have shitty winters, but they're not so bad you need a freaking Hummer.

Do our cars have to come full of flashy lights and gadgets to keep us entertained? Minivans come with DVD players. Some of those fancier, apparently unboring cars come with cameras in the rear to help you back into parking places. Sounds useful, all's fair there. But I learned to find a place I could park in and that I might have to walk a little further. Not a bad idea, considering obesity is on the rise. Heated seats...where were we without those? Besides a little chilly. I don't think anyone froze to death because their seats weren't warm enough. Or iPod docks. First we have commercial free radio, but apparently that's not good enough because we need some place to stick out iPods, or we just can't stand to drive anywhere. And the different design options...I remember when just picking a color was all the option you got. Now we coupes, sedans, hatchbacks, optional spoilers and sun roofs, wheel cover options, interior fabric options...the list goes on. 

But apparently this is all boring. Seriously Time, couldn't you have chosen a better caption? 

I just think...our expectations are set too high. Cars are now extensions of our egos and/or penises. Now this can be fun...but it's just for fun. This is why we have Hummers and Escalades and SUVs the size of tanks. "[Insert famous celebrity here] has a Hummer, so everyone will want one." I spent $30 on some window decals when I got my car and called it a day. I had $7000 to put toward another car after I wrecked Cavvy. Choosing colors and designs wasn't an option. Even then, I didn't find any "boring" cars on the lot. I wasn't looking for something that would help me express myself. I needed a car because I had to get back to school. And I had a budget.

Are boring cars not environmentally friendly? Is that the problem? Why isn't that our chief complaint? Those used cars are still cheaper, and work just as well. Maybe you're not getting 30 miles a gallon, but still better than these apparently "boring" SUVs and trucks that GM and Ford keep selling. I'd have to work for a long time before I could afford one of those nice hybrids. (I think it takes over 10 years for them to start paying for themselves). And that gas mixed with ethanol? I'm sorry, but my car doesn't run well on it. At all. My car pratically peed the stuff. I can't buy it anymore. When gas was over $3...nearly $4 a gallon, that was an outright waste of money. A 60-mile trip suddenly used half a tank of gas. The regular gasoline lasted a lot longer. I'm lucky there's still gas stations that sell it around here. My car's engine was made long before ethanol, and never designed to run properly on corn oil. It sucks, but I'm in position to get something a little more greener. I have to drive thirty miles or more in any direction to find a job and whatnot. I need every extra mile I can get. I'm all for environmentally friendly cars, but they aren't going to do anyone good when you can't afford them.

I think there are cheaper ways to go green. Go buy some reuseable shopping bags or something.

I'm not standing up for the Big 3. Honda and Toyota and those imports seem to be doing okay. A lot of their vehicles were more fuel-efficient. I'm not knockin' em. GM really didn't try to do the same. They probably would have sold more cars if the they'd kept Oldsmobile instead of Buick or Cadiallic. Oldsmobile cars were mostly the same things as Pontiac and Chevrolet. The kind of cars you see a lot around here. Before gas prices went out of control. Buick and Cadiallic are the "old people" cars, or the "someone must be doctor or lawyer" cars. Big cars, big engines, not very gas-friendly. Now they're they "cool" and "status symbol" cars. I thought we outgrew all that. And I would have hoped GM would have done something to help out some of their loyal customer base besides make more cars people can't afford.

The whole "boring cars" thing just pissed me off. It's not "lack of affrodable cars" or "few hybrid options" or "needs more safety features." I'd love to know what the hell a boring car is.