Musings of a Swanheart

Writer's Block: Go it alone

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:41:25 GMT

Do you think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children? Do you think this ostracizes people who would be perfectly content to remain single and/or child-free? Is this pressure worse around the holidays?

View 1418 Answers

I wouldn't say that there's "pressure" to be in a relationship as much as you're expected to be. Mass media largely states "single=lonely and sad" and frankly, no one wants to be lonely in sad. But it's a fact that there are a lot of single people out there who are very happy. I went through a period when I was single and it rocked my world. There was a time when it didn't and then I was lonely. I've had it both ways. And when I found someone I wanted in my life, I welcomed that. And while I'd be very sad if my boyfriend and I ever broke up, I wouldn't go on a manhunt, nor would I think anything negatively of myself for being single.

But I hate things like romance novels and romantic comedies. So many of them say, "Oh yeah, you think it's great being single, but inside you're sad." And then the man of their dreams just comes out of nowhere and changes everything and it's always happily ever after. It's always true love and relationships that just work out perfectly. If they argue, it's over something minor and it's always easily resolved. Hijinks and one-liners all the way. Pretty people who never have to worry about jobs and money and the other issues in everyday life. No one in these big Hollywood movies or best sellers works 40+ hours a week for minimum wage and doesn't even have time to interact with another human being. It's designer clothing and witty, sassy best friends who tell you to go for it.

To have children, I think yes, in that you're generally expected to have kids, especially if you're a woman. If a man says he doesn't want kids, it's one thing. For a woman not to want kids is a whole new ball game. People will go as far to say that you're denying your true purpose in life. From the time I was a kid, my parents and grandparents would say things like, "when you have kids..." or "when you have your first baby...." so I spent much of my childhood assuming I'd just get married and have kids and be a mother.

I got into my teens and realized that I didn't want kids at all, and actually became pretty depressed as I figured I'd have to have children down the road and there wasn't much I could do to stop it. That was just my fate. I went to Catholic schools, which really didn't help on this. Birth control and sex before marriage was evil and I'd go to hell for it. God wanted me to have babies. I knew there was such a thing as sterilization, but that they want you to have kids first. I remember being fifteen and wishing I could get my tubes tied and be free from it all.

By the time I finished high school, I wondered that if I just never got married, I'd never have to kids, though I would like to get married someday. Maybe the whole "when you meet the right man you'll want to give him kids" line was true. It wasn't until I went to college that I was exposed to more "liberal" thinking, so to speak. That I didn't have to have children to be happy. That there wasn't anything wrong with birth control. That I could find a man who also didn't want children and I could hopefully have the happy marriage and partnership that I want. I didn't have to be a stay at home mom or run from work to get fast food to feed the kids when I got home.

My mother and stepfather are both expecting grand children from me. Even though I've said I don't want to risk my kind of sucky health for a pregnancy. That I don't have the mental health for it. That I don't even like kids. That I don't want to pass on my speech impediment (more than likely genetic), or my depression (genetic) and that I really don't think I could handle having a child with either of these conditions when I can barely handle them in myself.

While I was in college, they visited me and took me to lunch. My stepfather stated that I better start dating soon so they can have grandchildren. My mom smiled broadly and nodded eagerly.

Me. Age at the time: 23. $12K in student loans. No job on the horizon. And they wanted me to go on a baby daddy hunt.

My stepfather has gotten onto my stepbrother's girlfriend about this. He's made several remarks to her about grandchildren and getting pregnant. They only recently just got an apartment together. Neither one works full time. I don't know if one or both of them even wants or is ready for kids.

But they want grandchildren soooo bad. And it scares the crap out of me. I'm not looking forward to the years down the road when they're going to just continue to expect this of me. I sometimes feel like they don't even care who the father would be or what kind of circumstances I'm in that would get me pregnant, they just want a grandchild or two. I said if hell froze over and I changed my mind I'd rather adopt. Seemed good to me. No pregnancy and give a kid who needs a home one. My mother looked very disappointed.

I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship with someone who also doesn't want kids. I'm also lucky that my mother or stepfather hasn't said anything to me about having kids recently. In part I think it is because I said I got on birth control when I started dating. Or maybe they're listening to me for once and maybe will accept it.

Going to the chiropractor was like going an amusement park.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:39:55 GMT

They put you on a funky table and crack your back and neck, which I imagine is what would happen if I was on a thrill ride and could sit through it without getting sick.

I had to start seeing one since work is kind of screwing up my back and neck. I was waking up every morning with a horrible headache and popping anywhere from two to eight Advil a day, coming home and laying down on my heating pad. I'm hoping a regular chiropractic schedule will clear all this up. The doctor I went to is really nice. He used to be a bodybuilder. Mom recommended him. He even gave me a lower cost since I have no insurance.

Work's been...interesting. The job itself isn't too hard, though the demands are kind of...extreme. Mostly I just sit at a table all night looking through a magnifying lamp at various powdered metal parts. I inspect thousands of parts every night. My second week, I did a batch of particularly tiny pieces that go in shock absorbers. (I had to wonder if these were going in Barbie cars; they were that tiny.) The next day, I was presented with a tiny baggie with a part I missed. It was the only part I missed that entire night. It had all kinds of labels and a note on it.

"DID YOU SEE THIS PART YOU MISSED? DO YOU SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? SEE SEE SEE SEE! HOW COULD YOU MISS A PART DID SO-AND-SO SHOW YOU THIS DID YOU SEE THAT YOU MISSED A PART?"

Yes. I see it. All the parts inspected are inspected twice, and I'm on first inspection. This company has to do double inspections since they've had so many rejections. So second inspection will catch the things I miss. It's their job. Apparently they didn't notice they only hired a human being. I will make a mistake every now and then, though I try very hard not to.

First shift talks a lot of smack on second and third shift, and vice versa. Kind of something I don't want to get in the middle of. I trained on first so I got to know some of the people there, and they were more or less nice and I don't want to be expected to take sides. I just want to do my job and get paid. The first shift supervisors don't really talk to us or anything. Only my supervisor on second seems to have anything nice to say. Otherwise it's the manager being bitchy about something to or the secretary trying to boss everyone around.

Otherwise, just work. Dave and I don't have the same work schedule anymore so we're not seeing each other a whole lot. Not eating many meals together. No time to really do anything. Money issues are still tight. His car is a POS and he's going to have to put a lot more money into it than it's worth. Even with that, I'm not sure it's going to last a year. I hate for us to have to start relying on my car alone. He turned down the chance for a better job and I'm still kind of irked about it because it was a stupid reason. I didn't really bring it up since work's running me down and I don't want to argue. We've had a few money talks but he usually doesn't realize how bad things are until he looks at his account and sees how low it is.

I got my snow tires on my car. I've been seeing the same shop for this for years, and I only just noticed that the mechanic looks like Hugh Laurie. This suddenly came to me when he asked me about my tires and I just blanked for a minute. O_o

happy dance

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 01:06:56 GMT

I am employed!

I'm starting at another factory as a parts inspector. This one isn't through Manpower, and they're expecting to offer a benefits package down the road. I start first shift on Monday, but will hopefully go to second soon enough.

It's only $7.40 an hour, but it's better than my current salary of $0.00 an hour.

Woot.

I should have been worried about my car.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 11:48:55 GMT

Yesterday I took my car to Joe for a pre-winter check-up.

He found a small leak on the top of my gas tank. Which is why Dave and I smelled gas last week. Joe said I'm not leaking gas out on the road or anything, so it's not serious yet. All my options considered, the best course of action for now is to just replace the gas tank. I hate putting down a possible $700-800, but I can't afford a car payment on a better car, and I've still got a car with low miles and a good engine.

The thing that helped is while I was waiting, I got the mail that was piling up at Mom's. I have a Certificate of Deposit at the bank that is about to mature. Must have been set up by Nannie and Poppie just after I was born. So I'm going to pull most of the money from that for car insurance, repairs, and cover some rent and other expenses that are coming up. I think it was some kind of luck or higher power that resulted in a big car bill and the money to cover it. I didn't want to totally gut the whole CD, but I'm going to put some serious damage in it to keep our heads above water. Then let whatever is left build up for few years, and hopefully we won't be in a tight spot by the time it matures again.

Joe also found something else. Those brake repairs?

Illegal and unsafe. Joe said if I was getting my car inspected I'd fail. If I have another near accident like the one that killed my brakes in the first place, they would probably go out again. I can't trust them to keep me out of an accident, hurting myself or someone else. Or killing me or someone else, in the worst case scenario. Sure as hell can't trust them for the winter.

I mean, I've been lucky over the years of my driving and car maintenance. Between Joe and the Chevy dealership in Claysburg, my car has been in good hands. Most of the serious work my car has had to had done is due to age and there haven't been any surprises. I always hear horror stores about bad car repairs and shady mechanics. Guess it's my turn to experience it first hand.

So I'm going down to ask for my money back and then I'm reporting him to the state inspection board. Also sending him the brake repair bill from Joe. I did not fork out $160 for piss poor and illegal repairs. I mean, I don't know if he was trying to get repeat business or something, but his garage is an official inspection station. He KNOWS what's legal and what isn't. Or he should. Guess it's just a "lick and stick it" operation. I'm just glad I double-checked things with Joe.

I'm not all that confrontational, so I hope this guy doesn't give me a hard time. Krista and Justin were eager to go down and "open a can or two" for me. I'm bringing Dave along and I imagine if this guy starts saying BS Dave will drop a few f-bombs. I'm certainly in the mood to.

I felt better about things knowing I had that CD under my belt. With how much I plan to take out, even after all the big expenses, I should have a few hundred left for gas, food, and hopefully no more surprises. Thought about spreading out my Christmas shopping and starting early. Get things for people here and there when I find sales. I should have done that before, but I just never did it. I liked doing in in November and December because of the whole seasonal thing. The Bon Ton circular came through, and I saw a few sale items that seemed like nice gifts.

Once my snow tires go on, hopefully I won't have any more car related concerns for a while.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:35:03 GMT

My car is fixed.

The brakes still don't feel right. I mean, my car stops fine and everything, but they don't feel like they did before Saturday. I hope I didn't damage the pedal or something. I made an appointment with Joe for Monday. I'm not all the comfortable making that far of a drive, but I hope I get some peace of mind out of the whole thing. Maybe I'm still frazzled from my near-wreck. Krista said with new brakes they need time to build up some pressure in the lines again. I hope that's the case.

I'm not all that pleased with the mechanic Mom's co-worker recommended. I had to pay the bill in full before I got my keys back. And the repair job doesn't feel all that complete. I could be wrong. I don't know. It's been raining for days so naturally my brakes are going to be wet. The mechanic mentioned rust and everything, which really isn't want I need to hear. I got parked in a lot last winter. I think I only made it to the car wash twice. For as little as they actually salt the roads around here, the shit sure builds up real quick.

Bleh. I'm too attached to this car. T_T

Have to take my car when Dave gets his car inspected. He's not sure if his car is going to need work. I really wish he wouldn't have waited until the LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE to do this. He had how many days when he had the money, wasn't working, and had all this free time to get it done. But he waits until the last day he can do it. At least I'm not driving Krista to this wedding she's been trying to get out of. That was a three hour drive and I don't want to do it with my car right now. Even before the brakes went I didn't want to go. Six hours total trip? No thanks. I offered to drive her just because her and Justin have done so much for us, but she finally cracked down and told her friend she couldn't make it.

Getting laid off after three days of work hasn't helped. I'm still not sure why. I know for a fact they've kept people who didn't do their jobs right and consistently didn't do standard procedures like label what parts are good or bad. I received a lot of positive feedback about my job performance those three days. I really don't know why I got laid off, which makes that situation even more frustrating. Manpower told me I would be needed for three MONTHS, not three days. Dave's still there and my old co-workers said they're not even sure why I wasn't kept. I said I'd love to go back if they have openings, so I hope they'll at least keep me in mind for down the road.

A lot of flak and stuff has come in the past week. Lost my unemployment. Trying to appeal that. My cable bill quadrupled and I had to call them three times just to downgrade to a cheaper plan. I found myself wondering how I was going to afford Christmas shopping this year and then I realized I was kind of getting ahead of myself.

Trying to keep my head up. Talking on the phone with Krista helped. Actually kind of grounding, in a way. A facebook chat would have been easier on my jaw, but facebook isn't working. Which isn't unsual, I guess. At first nothing I clicked on would respond after I logged in, and now whatever I click in gives a box that says I haven't added some users to my news feed. The box is empty and it WON'T GO AWAY. I hit the "close" button and it's gone, but whenever I click again it comes back. Wouldn't even let me log out.

Missed NCIS tonight. Have to try to catch it online tomorrow. Not too interested in new NCIS series they made. Unless Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, Abby, Ducky and McGee are there...I'm not interested.

When driving, using your brain at all times is a requirement

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 22:35:16 GMT

Contrary to what half the people in this town seem to think....stop signs are NOT OPTIONAL. When you come to a STOP sign, you STOP at them. You don't stare down the car driving down the lane (in this case, me) and decide to drive out in front of me in your ugly-ass Durango.

Brake slam #1.

Similarly, driving without your headlights in heavy rain down the middle of a two lane parking lot aisle is stupid. I can't see you coming over the SUVs and pick-up trucks that everyone drives. Remember, in the United States, we drive on the right side of the road. Not the middle. Those arrows painted on the lot are not optional, and if you had your lights on, you might have seen them.

Brake slam #2.

And finally, the bitch in the maroon truck had better pray to whatever her higher power are that they bestow upon her a brain. And the ability to use it. You're probably the only person on the planet who thinks it's okay to just swing out into the middle of traffic without looking.

Brake slam #3

My car no longer has working brakes. I was lucky that my step-brother is a more experienced driver than myself and successfully limped my car to a garage without causing an accident. Unlike you, he didn't drive as though he was driving a tank in Iraq, thinking its perfectly legal to just plow over and/or through other vehicles without any regard to the other people on the road. Like me and a few hundred other drivers.

Thanks to you, I don't have a car. She's sitting in a garage, and I can only pray she's fixed by Tuesday. It's okay. I only just got a job. I only just started working. I only need the money more than air right now. I only have $900 in bills that need paid. It's no big deal.

I'm just trying to be thankful I'm still alive, and that all that was lost was my brakes.

At least I'm working

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:28:50 GMT

Manpower got me in at a nearby powdered metal plant for what's hopefully a few months. I start today. 2nd shift.

I hope I find some better jobs soon so I don't have to stay with Manpower. I hate all this factory work. I hate constantly standing on concrete. I can't afford any more inserts for my shoes and my back sure as hell can't take it. I hate being left alone on giant machines and no one coming to check on you. I have no experience with this stuff. I hate knowing I'm only going to get a break for lunch. Dave is supposed to be working with me, but he might have to go in early. They're telling him he's supposed to be on ten hour shifts, and that's not what Manpower told me. Or him.

Last night was better. Dave and I visited Krista and Justin and Krista let me play her Sims. I'm trying to get my Sim turned into a vampire but it's not working so far. Dave got to watch football. When we got back to town we got pizza, but it made me as sick as hell last night. I was thinking of taking it with me for lunch but it might be safer to just pack a few PBJ's.

Have to find my lunch bag, too.

Writer's Block: Splurging for My Future

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 11:56:53 GMT

What's something you would splurge on this year to improve your future?

Presented by Intel, Sponsors of Tomorrow.

View 520 Answers

Going back for more education. My bachelor's degree is the biggest waste of money and probably one of my biggest regrets in life right now. It hasn't helped me at all. I was in school, working my ass off for five years and I don't feel like I learned anything relevant to the working world. I was updating my resume with a career counselor, and apparently the way two college professors told me to write it is totally wrong.

I'd like to get training for something like medical coding and billing or transcription. I see ads for them in the paper, and people seem to make decent money at it.

Better than not working at all.

A little note

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:38:30 GMT

To the asshole at the unemployment center who took my call:

I hope you get fired.

It is nowhere near acceptable to hang up when I explain the reason for the way I talk as my speech impediment. While I'm gasping for air, I don't want to hear your frustrated sigh followed by you hanging up.

Maybe you'll get to spend a few months unemployed...like I am...and you can play phone tag all week...like I do.

Writer's Block: Top of the Charts

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 12:33:26 GMT

What's the most-played song in your music library?

View 2058 Answers

"She's Coming Back" by Yuki Kajiura, from Xenosaga III.

From the scene where Voyager is trying to leave with KOS-MOS's bed/rejuvenation chamber-whatever. Voyager starts to choke Shion, and KOS-MOS rams her fist through the chamber-thing, grabs Voyager and starts trying to beat the shit out of him.

Weird Dream

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 11:40:34 GMT

Last night I dreamed I was dressed in that Gothic Lolita fashion. Big frilly dress with a petticoat, mary janes, knee socks. I was at Mom's and it was like, Thanksgiving or Easter dinner. Some holiday dinner. Not Christmas, though. There was no snow outside. It wasn't too cold, in fact. Still a lot of green outside, but not sunny. In the dream I felt very pretty, but I was afraid everyone else would think I looked ugly. No one said anything though. It was a dress I'd seen while browsing around online.

Then we turned on the TV, and there was some huge disaster going on. I think it was aliens invading. We decided to evacuate. Mom told me to put Tibby in my car and lead the way out. It was cloudy, like it was moments away from raining. I came to a Y intersection, and there was a highway worker directing traffic. All the other cars he waved off to the left side. He waved me off to the right side, and I couldn't tell if everyone else went the same way or not. I tried turning around to see if they were behind me, but I can't remember if I found them or not. Tibby was very well-behaved while we drove. We had MacGuyver-ed a litter box in the back seat.

I ended up at this big store. I can't remember what it sold, but it was kind of dark inside and had large wooden counters. Like, finely carved furniture to match a log cabin.

After that it kind of jumbles up. Megan Fox was there, and she was being tested somehow. Last I remember seeing her was she was getting ready to get in a canoe and paddle up a river. Then I was jumping from windows like a secret agent. Going in and out of a new, big house Mom got; helping her take towels inside, and then sneaking off for something.

Found the dress I was wearing: http://www.flickr.com/photos/26985461@N08/3328161795/

Moved.

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 11:58:25 GMT

Already.

Was crazy from Wednesday to Sunday.

Wednesday I reported the malfunctioning fridge to my landlord, who said to just defrost it and it should be fine, and that it wasn't going to stay cold with the humidity so high and it being so warm. I said if it was making frost like it was while the ice cream was melting and the meat thawing, I said that probably wasn't going to fix it. He said he wasn't going to put any money into the fridge because it's so old, and that if I wanted a working fridge I'd have to foot the repair bill. Besides the fact that 1. I can't afford that, 2. I'm moving out in a week. Well, there isn't anything in the lease that says I'm responsible for fixing his appliances. We got into a spat, but he wasn't willing to consider anything else until we defrosted the son of a bitch. So I had to drive to Mom's for coolers, because I sure as hell can't afford to buy them right now. In hindsight, it was definitely better that we used real coolers and not the cheapo foam ones you can buy.

So Thursday, since Dave and I planned to go out of town, we loaded up the coolers with ice and packed up what hadn't already gone bad. Came back that evening, cleaned up, and started up the fridge again. Within a few hours it was frosting up, but wouldn't freeze water. So Friday morning I called and reported this, as it had also started leaking into the floor. (And my cheap-ass landlord never put a hard floor in the kitchen; it's all carpet.) I have to call his daughter, who works in the office downstairs; she said she'd tell her Dad. I haven't heard anything since then. Friday Dave and I were out...we'd both had enough of the whole situation and decided to just sign the lease on the one place we looked at just to get moving already.

The new landlord was really nice and didn't charge us extra for the early week. He gave us the keys and said we were free to move things in and get the cable transferred. We're allowed to put nails in the walls to hang stuff up. Whatever it took to make it feel like home. I called Mom that evening and said we had a place. Since Rick has to see a doctor close to my original moving date, she suggested moving all my furniture, including the bed, Saturday morning and we'd just start spending the nights there. So Saturday we had Rick's truck and Krista's car and my car moving as much stuff there as we could. Did pretty well. I feel a little better about this new place now that I'm moved in. Dave and I have been making trips to the old place to clean and get the rest of my stuff. The new place needs stuff, but I don't really have the money for it now.

Dave and I thought we could save our milk, eggs, etc., but it all went bad, even in the coolers with ice. Threw out eggs, milk, peppers, onions, spaghetti sauce from Dad, ice cream, etc...the eggs might have been okay, but we tried making scrambled eggs and they didn't beat real well. Decided not to take the chance. The milk was a weak from its expiration date but it'd gone solid.

So we're mostly settled in. I haven't seen my old landlord, and he hasn't tried to call me. I know he visits the property at night to see if people are spending the night and stuff, so he knows we're not there at night. I'm paid up to the 29th, and I plan to have the key until then. Still have stuff there I need to get and finish cleaning.

Got some new glasses through Sears. Got two pairs and an eye exam for $374. Don't know if it's a good deal or not, but I needed a new prescription like crazy and it was there. I'm pretty satisfied with them. Also got fitted for my bridesmaid's dress for Angie's wedding. It's the sort of expense I wouldn't indulge normally, but I'm not really going to get to be a bridesmaid again except maybe at Krista's wedding. I'd like to have the experience. It's kind of flattering to be asked, too. Just wish Angie wouldn't have picked a strapless dress. I had banked on my unemployment lasting a little longer, but it just ran out.

Moving again

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 12:27:50 GMT

I am sick of moving. But I'm getting sick of this apartment even more.

The fridge has been dying. I don't know if it's just the thermostat going or if it's just dying itself. It's older than me. It's one where the freezer is INSIDE the actual fridge. I'd never seen a fridge like this in my life until I moved in. It worked fine for months without adjusting. For a while, I had to really turn down how cold it got because things in the fridge part were freezing, too. Then all of a sudden, it started building up frost like crazy. To the point where the flimsy plastic door wouldn't open or close right. Obviously it stopped keeping things frozen solid. Ice cream started melting. Meat started thawing out. We've been trying to keep the frost clear and removing as much as we can, but it's started growing back like crazy. Like, it's growing back over the door overnight. I have it now on the highest cold setting and not even stuff in the fridge is staying all that cold.

So I have to call my landlord about that. I probably did something to it that I'm not aware of and he's going to say its my fault so he can keep my security deposit. And that the bathtub drain is starting to clog. Have to ask if it's okay to pour some Liquid Plumber down there or something.

Haven't worked a whole lot. Manpower assigned me to this foam plant, which was utter hell. The heat was unbearable. I was on my feet all day with no lunch break. I wasn't even trained for twenty minutes and they left me alone with this giant machine that was spitting out styrofoam parts faster than I could pack them. Ended up all over the floor. They were getting kicked everywhere. I was tripping on them. By the second day I was in so much pain from standing and bending over all the time I was in tears for half my shift. Still couldn't keep up with things. Could hardly find the damn supervisor and ended up going to Manpower. Told them I didn't feel safe working alone where I wasn't well trained and couldn't keep up with things. They took me off the assignment, but they haven't called me about anything else.

I still have some savings I can burn through. Dave does, too, but not as much. I really don't want to, but moving back home and away from the jobs here seems like a disadvantage. There's a little more opportunity here than home. Not to mention Rick turned my room into his personal workbench and they've been storing stuff for Andy there. There's really no room for me at home. There wasn't any room while I was there.

One of the apartments Dave and I looked at was...eh. It was the first place that actually had parking and allowed two people for one bedroom. Inside it was really nice. Brand new fridge. Laundry hook-ups. Brand new windows. Nice carpet. Kitchen and bathroom are kind of tiny. Long closet. But there's a little balcony where we can grill if we want. Nearly $200 less than what we're paying for this dump. Dave really likes it, and I know he wants to take it.

But I hate the location. It's just the kind of neighborhood I want to avoid. It looks...shady. I know it's in one of the less favorable areas of town. Like, don't go outside after dark alone kind of areas. Don't leave your car unlocked. There's off street parking in this little gravel lot, but it's kind of far from the actual apartment. It's so close to the street that it's practically in the street. My main issue is the location. I wouldn't feel safe there.

I wish I could find a place that allowed pets. All I hear about is how Tibby torments the other cats. Always starting fights. I know he's mad I'm not home all the time. I know there's abandonment issues. I would love have Tibby living with me. He's always been good for me. Mom and Rick want him out of the house. And I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. All the places I found that will take pets are places that are way too expensive for Dave and I. Even with both of us working we probably couldn't afford them.

It's frustrating. I gave my landlord my 30-day moving notice. My date is scheduled for the 29th. I still don't have a place to live. I hate the idea of moving home if I can't find a place, and I don't think Dave is going to be easy to deal with if he has to move home, too. I'm going to call the local Housing Authority today and see if they have anything.

It would be nice for things to look up for a change.

Writer's Block: The Right to Privacy

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 22:07:10 GMT

Should some parts of celebrities' lives be off-limits to the public, or is giving up privacy a fair price for being famous?

View 513 Answers

Absolutely off limits to the public.

Quite frankly, I don't really give a damn what any celebrity does in their private life. It's none of my business. I don't care about celebrities. They're rich and earn more money in a month than I'll earn in years. But that doesn't mean they give up the right to privacy just because all us "regular folks" are just "dying" to know what's up with their personal lives. I don't really give a rat's ass about them, but being followed around by a legion of rabid photographers who are going to give your picture to magazines that write shit about you is a violation of your privacy. It's only for profit. I think it's a sleazy industry.

I've watched the paparazzi on TV, and quite frankly, that's a horrible job. I imagine myself being chased into my car and seizure-inducing flashes going off in my face. At some point I'd probably knock them to the ground and beat their faces in with their own camera.

Writer's Block: Commercial Appeal

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 12:10:46 GMT

What is your favorite commercial from your childhood? Bonus points if you include a video of it.

View 502 Answers

I don't really remember any commercials from my childhood. I mostly remember hating them because they interrupted my favorite shows. I wanted to watch TMNT, Bucky O'Hare, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, Gargoyles, Biker Mice from Mars, Sailor Moon, and or any other show that I loved when I was younger, and commercials were just an interruption and I usually got a snack during this time. Or if I was watching them before school, I used the commercial to get dressed and sat back down to watch when my show came on.

Similarly, I would get mad when my grandparents insisted I be dropped off at school half an hour before the doors were unlocked, and because of this I missed a lot of my favorite shows.

Writer's Block: Unlikely Benefactor

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 11:26:22 GMT

Congratulations! You won a million dollars but you have to give it all away. How will you distribute the money?

View 516 Answers

I'd give my mom $12,000 to give to me to pay off my loans.

Then I'd give her some more to pay off her and Rick's credit cards.

I'd give some to Krista and Justin to help them out.

I'd give some to Dave to help keep our heads above water.

I would donate to animal shelters and pet adoption agencies.

I would donate to women's health clinics, including helping poor women obtain the services they need.

I would donate to services for disabled individuals.

And I would donate toward conservation agencies.

Bleh. Birthday.

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 11:43:08 GMT

On Monday, at 4:03 p.m., I will be twenty-six years old.

The past few years I really haven't cared about my birthday. Dating Dave has kind of helped me appreciate my age more, so I don't feel like I'm getting real old. 30 still seems like a scary number, but maybe once I get closer it won't seem so bad.

I think I'm kind of disappointed in myself. At my age I expected to at least have a steady job that would keep a roof over my head. Instead I'm considering moving in with Mom...again. I can't find a decent job. Manpower isn't going to get me anything permanent. I worked one day this week for five hours, and I have something for next week, but after that...nothing. I know I can't help some of that with the economy being what it is. I just feel kind of useless. My degree never trained me for anything except bullshitting essays and learning Japanese. I have a hodge podge of a few months experience in this or that. Nothing steady. I'm dicked on financial aid for more school. The paperwork for my deferment on my loan has gotten totally screwed up and I'm playing phone-tag and mail-tag to fix that.

I just feel like a failure.

I've been thinking about money all the time. We're just eating up our savings on rent, food, and gas. Dave gave me this beautiful necklace. Two dolphins in the shape of a heart. White gold chain. I love it. He hinted at how much he spent on it. All he would say was that he spent over a hundred on it. I know he's going to be putting over $300 on new glasses, and I was a bitch and said we could return the necklace for the money so he wouldn't burn more into his savings for the glasses. Really hurt his feelings. Like I can't even appreciate the thought and time and money he put into a gift for me. I wasn't always this way. Feels like there's this stranger in my head who can't think of anything but money.

I really hope things get better soon.

Writer's Block: Bite Me

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:39:31 GMT

From Dr. Polidori's Lord Ruthven to Stephenie Meyer's Edward Cullen, the annals of vampire lore are filled with attractive, charming bloodsuckers. Which one would you most want to be bitten by?

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Vampire Hunter D.

Guh.

That is all.

Writer's Block: Pick and Stick

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 11:10:58 GMT

If you could only eat one kind of cuisine—Mexican, Thai, French, Italian, Indian, Chinese, etc.—for the rest of your life, which one would you choose?

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Italian. I grew up Italian-American. Pasta and meatballs every Sunday. Learned how to identify and pronounce the different types of pasta before I hit puberty. Learned how to spin spaghetti on your fork with one hand. We never used the spoon to help. Never bought sliced bread, always got a few loaves of Italian from a little shop, and always put butter on it. Never use rice in wedding soup and sometimes add chicken. Passed down recipes. They aren't written down, and Dad looked at me weird when I asked if I could. Have to learn by doing, over and over again.

So if I had to pick one kind, it would be Italian.

Whenever I was traveling back and forth between home and school, Dad would make me pasta and meatballs. I have a preference for shaped pastas like penne and ziti. Our family recipe for red sauce isn't like the ones you see on Food Netwok. No chunky pieces of tomato in the sauce at all. It's smooth and even kind of thin. Not as thick as what comes out of certain jars. Always included some garlic bread, which is the one thing we always buy and haven't made from a family recipe. One might not exist.

We also have an alfredo sauce recipe, too. Dad adds a lot of parsley.

I've never tried Thai. Never cared for Mexican. The only Chinese I've had is what you get here in the U.S. I like it, but I don't think I could live on it. Though I've felt like having some recently. I feel like Lo Mein and some fried rice.

I don't even watch Jon & Kate Plus 8

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 10:36:32 GMT

Last night I dreamed Krista, Mom and I were on a picnic with Jon and Kate from the show. A few of their kids were there, but not all eight. Anyway, Krista and I were unloading cars. All of sudden, Jon starts driving through this huge, empty picnic area we're at in a gray hatchback car. He looks mad while he's behind the wheel, but that kind of contained, angry stare. He runs into a blue cooler we had, and drives the car and the cooler into Krista's car. But instead of her Grand Am, Krista was driving some Mercury that was colored somewhere between brown and gray. And it was covered in a layer of cream cheese frosting, so her car wasn't really damaged.

Everyone was pretty mad at Jon. We decided he ruined things and were packing up to leave. Then I got a spider on my finger. Just dangling from a string of web and I was freaking out and no one was helping me and I head to peel the web off myself.

Then I woke up.

And for the second time I dreamed about helping someone (someone much older than me...almost seemed like Nannie and Poppie but not really) track down some crazy old lady walking around handing out pamphlets about animals in the care of humans being abused. It as sunny and we could walk around her and she didn't even know we were there. She would just mumble about animals. It was like we had to stop her somehow because she was telling lies about zoos and aquariums.

Writer's Block: Childish Pleasures

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:11:56 GMT

Name something you love but feel like you should have grown out of by now.

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Sailor Moon.

I first saw it when I was twelve. That ugly, cringe-worthy dub. When Usagi was Serena, and Makoto was Lita, and they blurred lines during transformation scenes. Cut the first season finale into like, twenty minutes. They stopped airing it in my area by the time they turned Haruka and Michiru into cousins.

But I thought it was AWESOME. The first time I really watched anime. When they started airing reruns, I'd mark my calendar for the episodes where Rei and Makoto were introduced. Even though I was too old for the dolls, I bought them. It was because of Sailor Moon that I started drawing. Looked into more anime. Took Japanese in college. Dove headfirst into the Internet. A lot of it my nerdiness and fangirling started with Sailor Moon.

I never watched the anime in full, but I bought the tapes before I had a DVD player. I own the entire manga. I've made my own otaku senshi. Scribbled fan fic here and there, though it all sucked. I've watched some of the musicals. I know all the words to La Soldier, Moment Fatal, Ginga no Sanctuary, etc. I also know the words to Moonlight Densetsu, Ai no Senshi and Moon Revenge. Still know the words after all these years. I know a lot of the actresses names, and favorites for playing each senshi. I've watched the entire live-action version and even though I could complain about a lot of it, I would still watch it again.

The bows and short skirts don't bother me. I like all the characters, though Sailor Moon herself is my least favorite character. I'm not really sure what it is that has kept me interested for so long. But I've always enjoyed it.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:43:58 GMT

I'm putting a movie review under this cut just in case someone who hasn't seen the movie stumbles upon this.

*sigh*

I mean, I enjoyed it. It was a fun movie and all. I liked the action. I like watching vehicles turn into giant robots and blow shit up. I like action movies.

But I like well-executed plots. I like a script that flows. I like a smooth progession of events, which is what I felt I got in the first Transformers. Not just scenes of dialogue and action scenes spliced together. Which is a lot like what Revenge of the Fallen is.

I felt like I was being jerked around between idle moments and moments of life or death. Like, first you have Sam going off to college. We see Judy's not taking it real well. Ron's doing a little better. Stuff between Sam and Mikaela and then BAM! Decepticon attack! Oh good, Bee's here to save everyone. Love Bumblebee. But rather than worry that the 'Cons found Sam, that maybe he and his family aren't safe, it's more like, "Fucking 'Cons are making me late for college and messed up the house. I gotta run, Bee! Thanks!" Does that happen all the time? Is this the like...third Blendertron attack that month or something? They sure didn't seem concerned.

PS: Bumblebee, if I was still going to college, you could come with me.

And by the way, Sam must have one hell of a scholarship to go to college on the other side of the freaking country.

And I hate Sam's roommate. I hated him. I wish someone would have thrown him to Alice or something. Okay, alien conspiracy geek is all fun for like...ten minutes. Do not go dragging him around the world while you're trying to save it from being destroyed. Because I do not care. He is annoying. The only useful thing he's done is find Simmons. (And WTF kind of codename is "robo-warrior"?) Big whoop. Bumblebee probably could have found him on his own. Had the Twins call Lennox and do a little research.

I thought I'd find the Twins annoying, but I really didn't mind them a whole lot. Though I imagine Prime wouldn't have much tolerance for the antics and bickering that we see.

Why would they get rid of Sector 7 when obviously they would have been helpful, seeing as there are obviously still Decepticons out there and coming to Earth.

Also...I thought Barricade would be back. Really.

What about Lennox's family? I mean, he must have a real sense of duty, seeing as he must be pretty far from his family and be away from home for months at a time. You could at least mention them. It was kind of a plot point in the first movie. Not vital, but it's nice that they made him a well-rounded character. Not so this time around.

Did Ratchet and Ironhide even have like...five lines apiece? They had only a fraction of the involvement they had in the first movie. Well, there was more of Ironhide than there was Ratchet. But really, did you have to have them there? They had that little screen time. FYI: I come to a Transformers movie to see Transformers, not Alice getting freaky on Sam or his dumbass roommate making geeks look bad. I want to see Ironhide blow shit up, Ratchet get out his buzzsaw and complain about how often people get hurt, and maybe give Arcee a litle personality. I don't really care for Arcee, and if she wasn't in the movie she wouldn't have been missed.

I want my Autobots dammit! *shakes fist*

I also wanted more Sideswipe. As soon as I saw that 'Vette I was hooked. I WANTED it. I could orgasm to the sight of that vehicle. I almost did. I WANT MORE SIDESWIPE. He got like 3 lines in the whole movie. Give the new 'bots some personality! Please???!!!

Oh. Hi Jolt. You're here? Whatev. He was a defribulator on wheels. And with Ratchet there, did you even need him for that?

I loved Jetfire. He was great. I want to give him a hug and hear old war time stories and about how he walked uphill to school both ways in the snow and rain. Young Autobots these days don't know how good they have it. I'm gonna miss him. Dear script-writers: This is personality! Give more Transformers this please, kthnxbai.

I though I wouldn't like Wheelie. Really. But he was funny. He and Mikaela were funny. Though I wouldn't want him humping my leg. That's just kind of weird. There was a lot of humping in that movie. I have a pretty dirty mind and all, but dogs humping each other and Wheelie getting too friendly with Mikaela isn't doing it for me.

Prime. I love Prime. I really do. It's not Transformers without Optimus Prime. I was like a giggly school girl when he first started speaking. I squeed when he jumped out of a plane in truck mode, transformed and went to kick ass. Optimus Prime can do no wrong. When he gets killed...which even though I knew it was coming...I still took it hard. Dave thought I was going to cry. Then I hear they're going to bring him back, I wasn't convinced. What if he died bravely in battle yet again. I was on edge until the credits rolled and Optimus was still alive. And I know he said a lot of his classic lines in the first movie, but I want him to say them again. At least say, "Roll out!"

I was kind of hoping they'd bring Keller back. And Glen. They were fun. Maggie was fun, too. I was gladly have them back instead of Sam's idiot for a roommate. Glen or Maggie or Keller probably could have told Sam right where to find Simmons. Had a business card for the deli. Gotten them a deal on pancetta or something. I was glad Simmons was back, though. He was cool. Seriously, give the man his job back.

Just don't let me see his ass ever again. I think I went blind for a few minutes.

Otherwise, it was fun. I'll still get it on DVD. But something just seemed off. It just didn't feel right. Script was weird. Too much action and stuff going on and throwing terms and TF history out there. I think they tried to do too much for one movie.

Weird dreaming...

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 11:22:07 GMT

Last night I dreamed I was driving. It wasn't my car. Some dark blue car. Maybe a sedan. And the trip I was on...was weird.

At times I would get out of the car and run, and manage to run ahead of the car. Then the car would catch up with me and I'd open the door and jump in while the car was still moving.

There were birds in the road. Lots and lots of birds. Most of them were mourning doves. Whenever the car got close, instead of them flying away, they'd pop their heads off. Their head shot vertically in the air while my car just coasted over their bodies, and after I passed, their heads would descend and pop right back in place. It all happened very naturally and they went back to wandering around in the road as if nothing had happened. I think there was one bird that it's head missed and it was chasing after it as it rolled down the road.

I hate having weird dreams like that.

Writer's Block: You're a Winner!

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 11:07:56 GMT

Have you ever won a contest, drawing, or lottery? What was the prize?

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Mom and I were at some kind of orientation for Penn State. I wasn't the full-on freshman orientation with goofy icebreakers, just some kind of event they held. They made my student ID, helped me sign up for classes, and Mom could ask about tuition and scholarships and all kinds of financial aid stuff that would later prove to be useless. After they fed us, both food and too much PSU school spirit, they handed out some numbered tickets and held a door prize drawing. I won a mug. It's kind of bigger than your usual coffee mug. Navy blue with white flecks. Has the PSU logo on it.

I make cup of soup in it sometimes. :\

Last year, when I was trying to solve the problem of our wimpy wireless network at home, I stopped in a local computer store. The local radio station was there helping with promoting sales and whatnot. I had no idea till I walked in the store and recognized the DJ's voice, and I got nervous that they might put me on the radio or something. But they were giving away free Deal or No Deal lottery tickets. I got a set of ten for free just for walking in the door.

On all ten tickets, I won a total of eight bucks. :\

In third grade I took third place when we designed posters about safety. I think I drew mine about bicycle safety and always wearing a helmet. I think all I won was my picture in the paper. :\

I hope someday I win the lottery and get a jackpot of a few million dollars. Much better win.

LJ used the title of this as "You're a winner!" and it reminded me of The Fifth Element when they open the mail and a little hamster voice says "You're a winner!" I love that movie.

Writer's Block: Call Me

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 14:48:38 GMT

Do you still use a landline at home, or do you rely completely on your cell phone?

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I use my cell all the time. I've never really needed a landline since I've had the cell. And I don't have to pay extra for caller ID, I can take it with me, take pictures, send texts. Makes a regular phone seem pretty useless. I also don't get many calls from unknown numbers; no one asking for a survey or selling shit. The only way this number gets out is if I give it myself. I always know who's calling me. Makes it easier having a speech disability...people know how I sound so they're not surprised and acting weird when I call. Landlines you have to pay extra for these features, and at Mom's the display on the phones are screwed up so you can't read the ID anyway.

I have an LG Chocolate right now (Christmas present) and while it was really cool at first, it's kind of annoying. I'd like to get back into a no-frills flip phone. But this phone was so damn expensive I'm really trying to put it through its paces. Takes nice pictures, though.

Musings of a Swanheart

Writer's Block: Go it alone

Going to the chiropractor was like going an amusement park.

*happy dance*

I should have been worried about my car.

When driving, using your brain at all times is a requirement

At least I'm working

Writer's Block: Splurging for My Future

A little note

Writer's Block: Top of the Charts

Weird Dream

Moved.

Moving again

Writer's Block: The Right to Privacy

Writer's Block: Commercial Appeal

Writer's Block: Unlikely Benefactor

Bleh. Birthday.

Writer's Block: Bite Me

Writer's Block: Pick and Stick

I don't even watch Jon & Kate Plus 8

Writer's Block: Childish Pleasures

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Weird dreaming...

Writer's Block: You're a Winner!

Writer's Block: Call Me

happy dance